By Jessica Katz, Reproductive Mental Health Therapist
Self-care is everywhere—marketed as the fix for feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But by the time we reach for it, we’re often already running on empty. What’s offered—tea, self-help books, manicures—can feel like surface-level relief for something much deeper. For those navigating infertility, this version of self-care often feels hollow—like going through the motions while your inner world remains untouched.
We already know wellness rituals aren’t a cure. Many of us are hyper-aware of what’s “clean,” what’s “safe,” what might help. This isn’t that critique. It’s not about what candle you light or which tea you drink. I’m more concerned with how self-care can become another way to micromanage your body and emotions—another pressure to “do it right” in a process already steeped in insecurity.
True self-care isn’t what you reach for after you’re drained—it’s how you start reclaiming your energy. It begins by asking: What do I truly need right now? Not doing more to feel better—but doing less of what disconnects you, and more of what brings you home to yourself. Being, not doing.
A Day of “Checking the Boxes” (That Leaves You Empty)
A typical “wellness” day might look like this:
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- Wake up early and push through a workout despite exhaustion.
- Sip a green juice while scrolling fertility forums to stay up to date on new protocols.
- Share a #self-care hashtag on social media, being careful to block and ignore anyone announcing pregnancies.
- Check off self-care tasks—manicure, face mask, self-help podcasts, jigsaw puzzle, coloring—not because they soothe, but because you feel you should.
- End with anxious Googling about toxins in your beauty products, turning even self-care into a source of stress.
As you can see, there is a lot of “doing” on this list. None of these actions are wrong on their own—but when driven by pressure or fear, they often leave you feeling emptier, not restored.
A Day Rooted in Self-Compassion: Presence Over Performance
Now imagine a day that begins with permission, not pressure:
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- Wake without an alarm and check in with yourself.
- Sip something warm in silence, without your phone.
- Say no to plans when you need space.
- Take a slow walk, noticing your breath and surroundings.
- Eat what feels comforting—not for “fertility,” but for care.
- Rest because you’re tired, not because you earned it.
- Sit with your feelings without trying to fix them.
- End the day with a favorite show, light journaling, or simply being.
This kind of self-care isn’t about doing more—it’s about gently being with yourself exactly as you are.
The Habits That Undermine Real Self-Care
Real self-care isn’t about adding more to your plate—it’s about reclaiming the energy you’re losing to external pressures. When your emotional cup is empty, the last thing you need is another task.
If you’re experiencing infertility, your internal world may feel like the hardest place to be. Thoughts like “I’m broken” or “I’m not doing enough” can push you to a breaking point. When we repeat these messages to ourselves, the pain can become so overwhelming that we throw ourselves into over-doing and under-feeling. Two of the most common habits that undermine real self-care during infertility are people-pleasing (over-doing) and emotional avoidance (under-feeling). These habits often start as coping mechanisms—but over time, they drain your energy and disconnect you from your needs.
People-pleasing looks like saying yes when you want to say no. Showing up to events that hurt. Pretending you’re “fine” so others don’t feel uncomfortable or burdened.
Emotional avoidance shows up as distraction or numbing —scrolling forums to absorb the stories and advice of others, diving into work to avoid painful thoughts, finding anything to keep your brain busy. These bring momentary relief and a sense of control, but they don’t ease the deeper emotional weight.
There’s no room for meaningful self-care when you’re stuck in people-pleasing and emotional avoidance. These habits demand constant doing and disconnect you from feeling. And the cost is your well-being. You only have so much energy each day—and you can’t use it to care for yourself if it’s all going outward.
Reclaiming Your Energy Is the Heart of Real Self-Care
True self-care isn’t about doing more. It’s about reclaiming the energy that’s quietly being drained by people-pleasing and emotional avoidance.
You’re not broken, and you’re not lacking time or energy—you’re just pouring it into survival patterns that leave you depleted.
When you stop over-doing for others, let go of needing all the answers, and allow yourself to feel instead of suppress, something powerful happens: your energy begins to return to you. That reclaimed energy becomes the fuel for real healing—mentally, physically, emotionally.
This kind of self-care isn’t about achieving or fixing. It’s about doing less of what drains you and more of what restores you. It’s not performance. It’s presence.
It’s the radical act of showing up for yourself with honesty and tenderness, even on the days that hurt.
Infertility is exhausting, and the pressure to not let it become “a full time job” can be crushing. But when you reclaim your energy and redirect it inward, you stop surviving and start healing.
That’s the kind of care that restores. And it begins with you.
A Moment to Pause: Try This Mindfulness Visualization
If you’re ready to gently reclaim some of the energy you’ve been pouring out—and reinvest it in yourself, because you truly deserve it—I invite you to try a simple mindfulness visualization I’ve created. This practice is designed to help you feel welcomed and whole—just as you are—in the world around you.
You can find the meditation here:
It’s a quiet, grounding space to return to whenever you need a reminder that your presence matters, and that caring for yourself is not only necessary but deserved.
Jessica Katz, LICSW, PMH-C is a licensed clinical social worker with over a decade of experience in reproductive mental health. As the founder of Empress Counseling, she supports individuals and families facing infertility, pregnancy loss, perinatal mood disorders, and third-party reproduction. Her approach is grounded in evidence-based, trauma-informed practices, including mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and compassion-focused therapy.
Jessica is also a mother via egg donation, and she brings this personal perspective to her work with empathy and authenticity. She is passionate about helping clients feel seen, supported, and empowered to make thoughtful, values-aligned decisions throughout their family-building journeys.
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