Kate Weldon LeBlanc, Executive Director of AllPaths Family Building, shares her journey of an unexplained infertility diagnosis, loss, and her path to parenthood. With fertility treatment, Kate and her husband Joe became successfully pregnant with their now high school senior, Sophie. Kate discusses the emotional, mental, and social tolls of infertility and the impact that her own family building journey had on her career, leading her to AllPaths (then Resolve New England) 10 years ago.
Over the past decade, Kate has not only led with unwavering dedication, but also inspired a bold new era of family building, where inclusivity and emotional support are at the forefront. From every community member who has been fortunate enough to witness her compassion and dedication firsthand, to the thousands across New England and beyond who have been impacted by her passionate advocacy work, Kate’s vision and commitment have shaped our organization’s growth and success.
TOPICS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:
Infertility, fertility treatment, unexplained infertility, IUI, IVF, fertility insurance coverage, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, one and no longer trying for another, grief, advocacy, ASRM, community, collaboration, reproductive health, reproductive health care, Resolve New England, AllPaths Family Building
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
Emily:
Building a family can be a complicated, messy, lonely, and sometimes heartbreaking process, but you don’t have to navigate this challenging journey alone.
Welcome to the AllPaths podcast, where we support and celebrate all of the different ways there are to try to grow your family. We’re your hosts, Emily and Kate, from the nonprofit organization AllPaths Family Building.
And today we have a special guest host joining us, President of the AllPaths Board of Directors, Lisa Rosenthal.
Kate:
Yay!
Emily:
Thank you, Lisa.
Lisa:
Thanks for having me today. I’m really excited to be here.
Emily:
So we’re so excited to have Lisa join us today, because we are going to be doing a deep dive into Kate’s journey and how that led her to becoming our amazing Executive Director. So, Kate, how does it feel to be on the other side of the mic today?
Kate:
I like it. Well, I was thinking that the three of us, I feel like, are in conversation. I prefer that to thinking of myself as the podcast guest.
Emily:
Okay, well, in this conversation with Kate, we are extra excited – ot that we don’t love talking with you anyways – but this January marks your 10th anniversary as Executive Director, so we are looking forward to chatting with you about these past 10 years and learning a little bit more about your own story. So do you want to introduce yourself really briefly to our listeners?
Kate:
Sure, I’ll be very brief. So, I am Kate Weldon LeBlanc and I am the Executive Director of AllPaths, and I am a Boston native and a mom, and I am looking forward to chatting with you.
Lisa:
Excellent. Kate, of course, we’re thrilled to have you here. We’re thrilled to have you, period. We’re so lucky to have you. But let’s start with your own story. And for as long as I have known you, I know your story, but I don’t really quite know your story. Tell us whatever you’re comfortable telling us about from the beginning.
Kate:
Sure. So my husband, Joe, and I started trying to get pregnant in 2004. I finished my master’s degree in public administration and I think, you know, just thought that when I was ready, my body would be ready. And so, of course, we know that unfortunately did not happen. And, you know, I found that difficult.
Every month was like, I was excited and hopeful, and then every month was like, oh, no. You know, so we tried for over a year on our own, and then I went into my own primary care to talk to her about what was going on.
And I remember that being really hard, too, to just say it out loud. I really hadn’t said it to anyone but Joe, that it wasn’t happening for us. And then she walked in and was like eight months pregnant.
So like, literally I saw her belly before I saw her and I think I actually said out loud, like, ‘you have to be fricking kidding me.’ You know, like, really? And I, you know, so I talked to her about it and she referred me to fertility practice. So that was great. Was pretty quick.
And we were, I always feel like, I want to say, quote unquote, diagnosed with unexplained infertility.
And I think Joe was, I think, relieved because not that it’s our personality to blame each other or anyone else, but I think he was kind of like, you know, like, it’s not my fault, it’s not your fault. It’s just, it is what it is. And I was like the opposite. I’m like, what is this crap?
Like, this is like you have this thing but we don’t know why and we can’t tell you anything about it. I mean, obviously I didn’t want anything to be seriously wrong, but I was hoping there was going to be like a minor, easy to fix solution answer.
But fortunately, even though that was sort of frustrating as a non-diagnosis, in my opinion, as, you know, many people listening know, fortunately you can have a plan without an understanding exactly of what’s going on. So we jumped into fertility treatment.
And I think I thought, because we were, in my opinion, young and healthy and didn’t have a clear diagnosis for why we weren’t conceiving that we were going to be successful right away. I think I just thought like, A plus B is going to equal C. Here we go. So I had a really hard time emotionally with the first IUI not being successful.
And you know, like, when I look back now, it’s like that was really, in the scheme of things, just the beginning, but that one was really hard because I just was convinced it was going to be successful. But then I just got more hardened a little bit, I think from after that.
Then I started shifting into never thinking it was never going to be helpful, successful rather, which wasn’t helpful. And so we did three cycles of IUI with like sort of a month of rest in between each one. And that just felt like forever, but it really wasn’t.
And then they were not successful. So we moved on to IVF and we did a couple cycles of IUI. Sorry. We did a couple cycles of IVF and we were successful.
After that second cycle, we transferred two embryos, but we had a singleton pregnancy, who’s now our daughter Sophie, who is a senior in high school and amazing. We always say, a poorly graded embryo, but an exceptional human on the outside and super, super grateful to be her parents.
And we were open to all different paths to parenthood and which I know is not true for everyone, which I understand, and, and I mean, not all paths are accessible and they wouldn’t have been for us, but we were open to them conceptually, if not financially. And so Joe’s mantra was always, we are going to be parents. We don’t know how and we don’t know when, but we are going to be parents.
And that was really helpful to me because that was like my biggest fear was that we were not going to be parents. And I really felt like I couldn’t be resolved with that outcome.
And so some days were hard and I would say to Joe, like, say it, say it, say it again. You know, it’s like, pull out our mantra. So that was really, really helpful.
And so we were very grateful to be successful through ivf, Very grateful to have health insurance for it. We were, you know, we’re from Massachusetts and we’re living in Massachusetts. We had excellent insurance.
So even with all those assets, though, it was the hardest, one of the hardest emotional experiences, certainly the hardest we went through as a couple. You know, physically obviously is difficult, but the emotional side was by far the hardest. So.
And then, you know, subsequently we had hoped for more children. I mean, Joe’s the baby of eight. We weren’t trying to do that by any means, but I have one brother and we’re very close and I love having a sibling.
So I really wanted two children, but we weren’t successful with that and we had loss along the way, so it was very difficult. And then it was more just because of the emotional struggle of it that I think both of us just kind of said, you know what?
We’ve had our heart broken, like, even in ways that weren’t even on my worry, my list of worries, which is usually long. And so then it was like, this is our family of three. And it wasn’t what we expected, but we’re extremely grateful for it.
And there have been wonderful things about it that I hadn’t even anticipated.
Lisa:
So I love that, Kate. Thank you because first of all, for being so honest and open and sharing the details and the specifics, but also because my follow up question was going to be, how did you feel about secondary infertility? Because that affects a lot of people where it’s not the family that they were dreaming of or even intended as we’re in this retrospective.
How does that feel a decade or so later that that’s how you resolved?
Kate:
That’s a great question. I mean, I would say it’s an evolution for sure. I, you know, I equate it to a grieving process.
You know, I think a lot of what happens when you’re struggling to grow your family can be equated to grief, in my opinion. And so I think grief to me does change and evolve over time, but it’s not like it goes away completely ever. And that’s how it’s been with this.
I feel mostly at peace with it, but I still have like these little, like they feel physical, like these little twinges. Like when I hear about people having second and third babies and they still like, give me that twinge.
Like, not the way it was early on by any means. I think probably the hardest phase for me was when there was a stage where Sophie was asking for a sibling.
Because it was like, then it was like, oh, you know, I haven’t just sort of broken my own heart or we haven’t been the only ones impacted by this outcome that, you know, she has been too.
So that was hard, you know, and we used to just be really open with her. We’ve always been very open with her. And I just told her, you know, like, I wanted that too. And we tried to make that happen.
But this is our family and we’re really, we love our family, we’re happy about our family. And that really helped. And then she shifted at some age. I don’t remember when to, like being so happy that it’s just her.
And that was really cool, like, because it helped me see the nice parts about it, which there are some. I remember I had a colleague in a previous job, you know, she had two kids, like, you know, a decent amount of years apart.
And she was saying it was hard for them to find family vacations that made both kids happy and were appropriate for what they were interested in at the time.
And she was like, you know, that’s one thing that must be nice about a family of three is like to really just focus on what is good for her at that age. And it was like, that was such a small thing to say. But I was so happy because I’m like, no one ever said anything positive to me.
They always would be like, “Why do you only have one?” with like this sad face? And I wanted to like punch them in the face. And like I had a coworker in that same job be like, “Oh, it’s not fair to Sophie to only have her.”
And I’m like, rude, if you only knew, like it was very rude. And even to that person, I said, you know, that wasn’t the plan. Like we had hoped for more.
And like, to me that made it very clear that like, stop saying this line of questioning basically. And she doubled down and I was like, I wanted to be like, you’re dead to me.
Lisa:
I just hope that people really hear what you’ve said. Right, about these kind of well-intentioned comments that, that really hurt and that are kind of ignorant right?
They’re making a whole bunch of assumptions.
Kate:
Yeah. But just, I loved that someone even said one positive thing. Right now we’re really happy that we’re only paying for one child to go to college.
There’s not many good things about this outcome, but that is one.
Emily:
Well, Sophie is an amazing human.
Kate:
Yes.
Emily:
You guys have done so well.
So can you talk a little bit more about that though? How did this journey affect your relationships with the people around you? With, Joe, with your family, with friends?
Kate:
Yeah, it’s such a great question. I know we ask it all the time, but I haven’t really thought of my own answer.
I think we were pretty private about it for a long time and then we finally told some people. I think Joe and I were very solid, I would say, during this time, which I so appreciate.
He’s so steady and calm and sometimes I’m like, can we check his pulse? He’s so chill. Which was great though, because I was not chill. And so I think we did very well.
I think we got closer, which I know, I mean, not every day and every moment, of course, but in general I think it brought us closer, which I’m very grateful for. But some, like, friendships were challenging and it wasn’t really, it wasn’t so much from things people said or did or didn’t do.
It was more just what I was going through, that it was just too hard to be with people who were having no problem getting pregnant and, or otherwise building their family. And I think one of the hardest things with that was people having like their second or even third baby while we were still trying to have one.
And so I really remember a couple times finding out people were having a second and like really going to pieces emotionally over that. So it was hard. And I wish I knew then like a Lot of the things I know now, but I try not to look back because I can’t change it.
I can only go forward.
And it’s part of why I love to, like, share, not really my wisdom, but other people’s wisdom through our work with AllPaths, is because, like, some of this I wish I could have heard at the time of, like, really asking people for what you need and want. I don’t think I really did that, and I really wish I did.
Lisa:
I’m wondering, just as a sort of follow up, Kate, did you judge yourself for not being able to be in certain situations or to have certain parts of relationship with people? How did you do about judging or not judging yourself about that?
Kate
Oh, terrible. Terrible.
I was so hard on myself. I’m still so hard on myself. I would. I want to be, like, kinder to myself because, well, and I think we talk about this a lot, I think the emotions that you experience are unpleasant. They’re valid, 100% valid. But they’re like, oh, I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be jealous.
I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be resentful of people I love. So I think I felt.
And that’s why, again, I give the advice to other people to just feel what you feel and not feel guilty about how you feel. Because it’s like those emotions are hard enough to then add guilt on top of it.
Um, so, I mean, I don’t think I didn’t berate myself, but at the same time, I felt bad. But I think at the time, again, I didn’t go to any support groups or anything like that. I mean, it was 20 years ago that we started trying.
So it’s like at the time, like, support groups for sure existed and obviously, but I just never did them and I regret it. And it’s funny now that I’m at an organization where I feel like the support groups are the heart of our organization.
And I never took advantage of it, but I feel like that would have really helped.
I mean, I was like in a Yahoo listserv that shows that it was like 20 years ago, and I did find that helpful, but in general, I didn’t get a lot of support. And I think if I had, people would have told me how normal the emotions that I was going through were.
But I thought I was just like a terrible, horrible person.
Lisa:
Well, that’s the perfect lead into the next question. And coming from. It’s so hard to hear you talk about yourself being a horrible person because you’re so not.
So we heard a little bit about what you didn’t take advantage of in terms of support during this time. What about strategies or communities or resources that were helpful?
Kate:
Sure.
Well, I think over time, I did start to realize that I had people in my own circle that were going through it and so helping each other I found incredibly nurturing. And I think that’s where I have this, and we have collectively this core belief in finding your people. Because I just do feel like that’s so important.
And I remember just, even a colleague who wasn’t a close friend.
Somehow it came up in conversation where we just kind of figured out that we were on a similar path and we just kind of, like, looked at each other and didn’t even say anything. But it was like, it was nice because then it was like you knew you could lean on each other.
And I knew someone from grad school who was also going through fertility treatment. We actually ran into each other at the clinic. I was, we were there for our egg retrieval, and they were there for their transfer.
But it was actually, like, really nice to, like, run into each other. And, and then he actually called me. That procedure resulted in a pregnancy for them and not for us. But I really appreciated it because he called me.
I mean, in retrospect, but it wasn’t really as common then. I would have preferred a text.
That’s my advice to other people, if you have a positive pregnancy and you want to gently tell someone, definitely text them. He called me, but at the time, I thought that was so kind because he didn’t want me to see it, like, on social media or anything like that.
He wanted to tell me himself, which I thought was very, very gracious, and I really did truly appreciate it. But then I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out because we weren’t successful with that cycle.
And I was very happy for them, but it was just, you know, so hard.
Lisa:
Yeah, absolutely. And I think that sometimes people, maybe we don’t realize that you can be happy for somebody else and sad for yourself at exactly the same moment.
Kate:
Oh, yeah.
Lisa:
You know, we’re complex human beings, and we have the capacity to have more than one feeling at a time.
Kate:
That’s another thing. Over time in life, I’m just all about the ‘and’ and not like the ‘or.’ There’s so many things going on at once.
Lisa:
Oh, I love that. So I got to meet Kate very early in the process when she was at AllPaths. And I remember meeting her and quite honestly, just falling in love.
Emily:
As does everyone knows who meets Kate.
Lisa:
Yes.
As you’re hearing about how she felt horrible about herself and is hard on herself, she’s kind of a remarkable human and does so much for the community. So talk to us about how your journey led into a professional life and how we got lucky enough to have you at AllPaths.
Tell us about that a little bit, will you?
Kate:
Sure. Yeah, I love thinking about that. And it is crazy to me that that was 10 years ago. Honestly, my knees feel 10 years older, but other than that, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years.
But basically I was working at a different nonprofit that was also very close to my heart, and it was wonderful. And I wasn’t even looking for a new job, but formerly Resolve New England was looking for an executive director. And of course, having gone through our own personal experience, I just felt like I care about so many things, but nothing more than people working this hard to try to grow their family and particularly the emotional journey of that experience. And so I just wanted this job so bad, and I’m so grateful that I got it.
And my, like, last phase of interviews actually happened at the conference that Resolve New England used to have. And again, I knew about Resolve New England, I never went to the conference, I don’t know why, and I regret it.
But I loved going to the conference and as I did the interviews, but I also went to some of the sessions and I just loved it. And I remember driving home and I felt like, like the car was floating home. I was like, I need to have that job. That is my job.
And fortunately, it was my job. And I got it soon after that. And around that time, like I mentioned, we had had a loss that was really hard.
And around that time of the loss, I found, like, our old sharps container in our attic at this house. And I remember, like, looking at it like it was like an archaeological item from a dig.
To me, it was like, from a different time in my life, like, which it was. And I remember thinking, that is an archeological artifact. It is not a current part of my life.
And I remember feeling like my new focus is going to be this new job, that this is my way of helping and giving back, is to serve this organization that is so close to my heart.
Lisa:
I love that.
Kate:
So it’s not going to be about me growing my family. It’s going to be about my work life. Right.
Lisa:
You helping thousands of people growing their families. It’s kind of amazing. Ten years, Kate. Unbelievable. Really unbelievable.
Emily:
So if we fast forward, you know, 10 years, give or take maybe a month from that conference interview that you went to, what in that time period stands out to you? What stories, what successes really kind of float to the top as you look back on these past 10 years?
Kate:
Oh, yeah, it’s so, I mean, it is nice. I feel like it is nice to reflect on these things because we just go, go, go.
I mean, by far, and I’m not just saying this because two of them are staring back at me right now, but by far the people have been incredible. I mean, starting with my colleagues.
I mean, the fact that I have Emily as my right hand woman and prior to her had Kirsten as my right hand woman.
I mean, it’s always important to work well with your colleagues, but when you’re a staff of two, it is very important that you mesh well and click well. And Emily and I certainly do. And I think we bring out different strengths in each other and it’s. I hope, I hope you think that, but absolutely.
And it’s just been, I mean, that’s been wonderful.
And then our board, I think the way our board has grown and how amazing they are collectively and individually is one of my biggest accomplishments, I think. And not that I did it alone, but looking back on those 10 years, I mean, our board was always great. I mean our board was amazing.
Honestly, when I walked in, the board was amazing, but it’s just like really grown and it’s a reflection of how I think in this time our organization in general has just gotten even more professional and our external facing pieces reflect the quality of like the internal, you know, services that we provide and everything like that. So I’m really proud of that.
And, and then the people that I’ve been able to get to know that have been trying to grow their family during this time just have been amazing. And it’s wonderful when they share their resolution to their family building with us, whether it ends in parenthood or it doesn’t.
I love staying connected to them. It’s part of why I love our walk is because we get to see so many of them in person and literally watch their families grow.
And that part is just amazing. And I’d say related to that, I also feel so proud of our advocacy victories. I feel like those are going to last a long time.
And so I, I’m so proud of those. And, and we have had again, this, not that I take this as an individual accomplishment in any way.
But we’ve had people tell us that without the advocacy victory that AllPaths helped to achieve in their state, they would not be parents today. You know, because, of course, that’s why we’re so dedicated to advocacy, is because we don’t want cost to be a barrier to people even being able.
And so when our bill passed in New Hampshire, a whole lot of other people were able to try fertility treatment. And then some of them that were successful sent us their baby’s picture and sent us their thanks.
And that is like, if I could afford to work for free, I would just be paid in those messages and photos, honestly. But since you are the board president, Lisa, I do need to be paid!
Lisa:
Not a problem, Kate. In fact, we just want to pay you more and more because we want to keep you forever.
I will say that as the affection and respect that it is so obvious between you and Emily, and that those are two building blocks that are, I think, present as well with the rest of the board and the colleagues. But we are just so lucky to have somebody who is so generous.
It is easy to be small in this world, and you are not one of those people. You are just not a small person. And your generosity inspires people. So, you know, it’s just.
It’s been a wonderful 10 years, and I would love to have another 10 years. I told you, I’m ambitious, right? I’m ambitious.
Love, love to make it so that you feel really happy and content and fulfilled and challenged here for a very, very long time.
Kate:
I mean, I absolutely have been. It has had a lot of twists and turns, I mean, again, with a staff of two people, we both wear many hats, and, you know, and I think every. A lot of people do in their job, but it’s like, I feel like we’re really putting them on and off a lot in a given day.
Emily:
Podcast hosts.
Kate:
Including podcast hosts. But that’s been a fun one. It’s more of a headphone than a hat situation.
Lisa:
I love that.
And I will just also say that calling you out on the advocacy piece, we’re very lucky to have an executive director who happens to have that skill set. Very, very lucky. You know, you’re being very modest, but Emily and I don’t have to be so modest about you. We can rave about you.
So I wanted to ask you, Kate, because you really are a connector and a person who really understands about building relationships. It’s a cornerstone of, in some ways, a cornerstone of who you are. And what you do. Talk to us about partnerships and how that works.
By the way, with all the accolades that both Emily and I are saying about you, I don’t want anybody ever listening to think that Kate is just this warm, sweet, lovely, fuzzy person.
She has quite a strong backbone and is very genuine, Very genuine and knows how to stand up and say, I don’t agree with this, or I don’t believe in this. So I just want to say that, you know, Kate’s a real person. She’s not just a warm, fuzzy girl.
Kate:
So, yeah, I’m getting tougher. I’m working on the backbone piece. But, yeah, no, thank you. You guys are so sweet.
But relationships, to me, are everything. I mean, they’re everything in life. I really feel, obviously, that they are a necessity in our organization, in part because of our size, just that we. We don’t have the capacity to do it alone. But I always want to say to, or I always do say to people that that’s not at all the only reason, though, because to me, we wouldn’t. Even if we were a lot bigger, we wouldn’t want to do it alone.
I mean, to me, partnerships are so wonderful, and I think they work the best when you bring different parts to the table and, of course, are stronger together than you could ever be apart.
And I mean, certainly with advocacy, you need to partner because, you know, the more you represent different interests, different, you know, like, say you’re working in a particular state, the more you represent different parts of that state, different aspects of the. The cause that you’re working on, the stronger you are.
But it’s true in every part of our mission, you know, the support groups are, of course, a huge partnership that is reliant on our incredible group leaders, you know, and as a nonprofit, we rely so much on our partners at the corporate level, at the individual donor level, at the grant and grant maker level.
We need the financial support as a small nonprofit to be able to do everything that we do and all of our big dreams that we have for things that we’re going to do in the future. We need those partnerships. But we do view them as partnerships. We don’t see them as just someone writing a check to us or sending a grant to us.
We see them as part of the fabric of our organization. And we’ve been so fortunate.
I feel like our partners and our board, being among those partners, managed to be, like, very engaged and very helpful without inserting themselves in a way that wouldn’t be positive. So I just feel very fortunate for that because I don’t think that’s true of every organization and it’s not true.
Lisa:
Of every organization that we have a CEO who is as assertive as you are in terms of.
I mean, I’m just going to call you out on the ASRM grant, which is awesome, you know, really, you know, moving the needle for us to do other kinds of work. Kate, that really was wonderful.
Kate:
Thank you.
Lisa:
Outreach on your part and work on your part and success for you.
So a great way to celebrate, you know, the 10 years and furthering a collaboration that is obviously so important among many, many other partnerships. You’re, of course, so discreet about not mentioning specific partnerships, but they know who they are.
Kate:
But it’s true.
I mean, it’s true that that was in large part because I just wanted to collaborate more and share lessons learned and support other people doing fertility advocacy throughout the country because it’s so important, but it’s also so hard and none of us have a lot of capacity. So the more we can support each other and not recreate the wheel, it just lifts us all and I’m all about that.
Emily:
Speaking of the ASRM project and, you know, the next 10 plus years, what are some of the key goals or projects that you’re most excited about?
Kate:
Oh, wow. Well, yes, I am very excited about that.
I would love to get to know more of the people doing fertility and family building advocacy throughout the country. And advocacy in general, obviously is just so critical and I think is going to be even more critical in the years to come.
I think it’s very unsettling and upsetting that reproductive health care in general, including fertility care, is so at risk with the incoming administration. And I think we balance not wanting to make our community more stressed and nervous than they already are.
But at the same time, it’s obviously part of our mission to inform people. And also from an advocacy perspective, I think sometimes we have to be scared to have that motivation to take.
And, you know, we’re just going to be very vigilant. We’re going to be so. I don’t know, I don’t wouldn’t say I’m excited about this aspect, but I.
We are going to be very vigilant about protecting reproductive health care and we are still going to be, not just protecting, but still being mindful of the places where we can expand access as well. Because, you know, we don’t want to go back. But we also don’t want to stop moving forward. So we’re going to be trying to do both at the same time.
One thing related to that that I am excited about is I think there is going to be even more collaboration on that.
There is a sense that we are all part of a broader continuum of reproductive health care and that we all have a role to play in the advocacy for that. And so some of the partners, you know, I’m excited to partner even more on that.
Lisa:
Yes. And, and you are really the person that we need at the helm.
So we are really grateful that that’s what we have and what we’re lucky enough to have. Kate, thank you for that wrap up. And if you ever want to know more about what Kate’s doing, please read the magazine, go to the website,
Kate:
Listen to our podcast
Lisa:
Absolutely.
So what’s one, one thing that you would say to someone just starting to grow their family and what is one thing you wish people would never say or would not say? So if you have somebody, I’ll give you the scenario, right? You see somebody, they’ve been married a few years, don’t have children yet.
How would you like that person approached or treated?
Kate:
Yeah, well if, if I didn’t know they were struggling to grow their family, I wouldn’t say anything or ask about it as you know.
But if I knew someone was just was trying to grow their family, I would really say I think what I said earlier, which is just that it is hard and you’re going to feel a lot of feelings and they’re going to change day to day sometimes but to just nurture yourself and try to be gentle to yourself about those feelings that you’re feeling because they are so normal and they can be so difficult, but they really are so normal. And to relate to that to get support from others and find your people because again I didn’t do that and I wish I had.
But I’m so proud that that’s what AllPaths does. And so I think one good thing is that I do think support is more accessible now.
I think it’s just in time, in the 20 years since we were trying to become parents, you know, just the support that exists on social media, even some of people’s posts are so nurturing that just the post alone I feel like can be so helpful and therapeutic sometimes. But just like even our free virtual support groups are just so accessible. You can stay in your PJs and do it from home. And I just think that’s so lovely, and I’m proud that we offer that.
And then I would say the things I don’t want people to say are summed up by basically the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘justs.’
I pretty much want those words banned.
Emily:
At least
Kate:
Yeah, at least. Oh, God, yes. Oh, yes. Don’t let me forget that. It’s really the trifecta. I feel like those are.
They’re so minimizing and they take, you know, things that might otherwise be helpful potentially, and just make them so much more ineffective because they make them seem dismissive and they don’t validate your emotions. They, you know, make you feel like there’s this really simple solution for actually a very complex problem.
Lisa:
What do you wish somebody might say instead?
Kate:
Well, yeah, I just feel like a lot of times there are gentler ways to say a similar thing. So, for example. Oh, I mean, again, one of my really triggering things that people say is that everything happens for a reason.
I do not believe that there are some terrible things that happen in life and in this world and what on earth could be the purpose behind them. Nothing. But I. I know what people are saying with that, I think, or some of them.
And to me, a gentler way to say that is that, like, even the hardest experiences of our lives can teach us something, but there isn’t necessarily a reason for some things that are just horrible. And I mean, just if.
If someone asked you for advice about paths to parenthood, including adoption or something, then I feel like you could have a really lovely conversation with them about adoption. You could help them research adoption, things like. But when people say, why don’t you just adopt? That is not helpful.
It’s like shifting those things.
And my thing is that if in doubt, like, to me, just expressing your love for someone and just sitting in their sorrow with them is usually what they want. Say less, hug more.
Lisa:
Absolutely. I love that.
Kate:
Going to be the title of my episode.
Emily:
That could be the next T-shirt.
Lisa:
I love that.
Emily:
So, Kate, before we wrap up, is there anything that we haven’t asked about that you wanted to share as you look back over the past 10 years?
Kate:
No, I mean, just. I’m so grateful. I mean, I. I went to some event, like a conference years and years ago, and they asked everyone to describe themselves in one word.
And I’m like, oh, God, I don’t know. But I think at that conference, and now I would say it’s thankful. And I have been through a lot, like in my life and I think everyone has.
But overall, I feel very thankful. I love, I feel thankful for my job and my family and my, you know, I’m thankful that I’m a Bostonian. So that’s it.
Lisa:
We’re thankful for you.
Emily:
Well, thank you so much for letting us put you in the hot seat today, Kate. And if anybody wants
Kate:
Should have prepared more.
Emily:
No, you were wonderful!
If anybody out there wants to wish Kate a happy anniversary, you can find us on social media or send her an email. We’ll put that in the show notes so you hopefully get lots of messages telling you how amazing you are from other people who aren’t just Lisa and I.
And Lisa, thank you so much for coming and being a guest host today, it’s been wonderful.
Kate:
Thank you.
Lisa:
Thank you for letting me. I couldn’t be with two more wonderful, really dedicated people. So it’s my pleasure. Thank you.
Kate:
We hope you’ll join us next time for more family building stories and resources.
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Please help spread the word so that anyone who is struggling to grow their family can join the conversation. It’s an honor to walk with you on your family building journey.