In this episode of the AllPaths Podcast, we sit down with journalist and author Ruthie Ackerman to discuss her memoir, The Mother Code, and her journey to parenthood. For much of her life, Ackerman resided in the “hell no” camp regarding children, driven by a family mythology that she possessed a “flaw” in her DNA inherited from a long line of women who abandoned their children. However, after researching her ancestors and uncovering that these stories were half-truths, she began to dismantle these narratives and open herself up to the possibility of building a family. This shift led her through a challenging path of maternal ambivalence, egg freezing, a divorce, and eventually into the world of assisted reproduction with her second husband.
The conversation dives deep into the realities of fertility preservation and the “gut punch” of discovering that the eggs Ackerman froze at 35 were not viable when she attempted to use them at 41. After enduring failed IVF rounds and the significant financial and emotional toll of fertility treatment, Ackerman and her husband considered donor conception. She candidly shares the “push and pull” of their decision to try IVF with donor eggs: the relief of not passing on rare genetic disorders contrasted with a profound sense of loss over the lack of a genetic connection and physical resemblance. Ultimately, she chose a donor based on a “spark” of connection—someone she felt she would want to have coffee with—rather than medical history, SAT scores, or physical similarities.
Now the mother of a nearly six-year-old daughter, Ackerman discusses the importance of breaking the silence and shame surrounding donor conception. She highlights the need for more honest, vulnerable stories of life and parenthood in a society that often presents binary choices as the only options. Through her writing and advocacy, she seeks to reassure others that while the journey can be terrifying, it is also filled with unexpected joy. Her story serves as a powerful reminder that there are many ways to have a good life and that it doesn’t always look the way you’d imagined it would.
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Special thanks to CCRM Fertility of Boston for sponsoring this episode and for their support and commitment to the AllPaths community.
An award-winning journalist and author, Ruthie Ackerman’s memoir, The Mother Code: My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us, was recently published by Random House and named a Best Nonfiction Book Of The Year So Far by NPR. She was most recently the deputy editor of ForbesWomen and her writing has been published in Vogue, Glamour, Oprah Daily, The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Wall Street Journal, and more. When she isn’t writing her own books, Ruthie is helping others write theirs. She launched the Ignite Writers Collective in 2019 and since then has become a bestselling book coach and developmental editor whose clients are represented by top tier agents and land book deals with Big 5 publishers. She has a Master’s in Journalism from New York University and lives in Brooklyn with her family.
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