If you’re reading this, you are likely standing at a crossroads trying to envision a future family built through donor conception. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed, shocked, or simply unsure if this is the right next step for you and your family.
It’s common for people just starting out to be more focused on the emotional side of things rather than the medical nuts and bolts. Whether you’ve already attended a support group or you’re not quite there yet, getting validation and insight from those who have walked this road before can be helpful as you navigate this potential path forward.
Here, drawing on the lived experiences of our community members and volunteers who have built their families through donor conception, we share the essential wisdom, comfort, and practical advice we hope will offer you clarity as you contemplate your next steps:
1. The Emotional Hurdle: It’s Okay to Grieve
If your first reaction to the idea of donor conception is defeat and failure, you are not alone. For some parents, accepting that donor egg/sperm/double donor/embryo would be the path forward was an uphill battle. One volunteer recalled that they vehemently declared that they “were not going to do it, period, end of story,” and tried everything else possible to force their body to conceive biologically.
Initial resistance is normal, especially if it challenges a long held belief of what having children looked like to you.
Build Your Support Network
This journey includes many ups and downs and can feel isolating. All of the families we talked to emphasized the importance of a strong support network, including family, friends, therapy, and self-care, to help navigate difficult times.
Connecting with parents who have successfully gone through the process. For many considering donor egg, sperm, or embryo as the path forward, the biggest shift comes from hearing other people’s stories. Meeting people who had been in their shoes, people who said, “I didn’t envision this, but I did, and it was okay, and my children are everything,” was the turning point. One parent noted that seeing how happy others were with their donor-conceived children helped them realize that donor conception would be a great option for their family.
- Check out donor conception support groups, as they offer a great opportunity to talk to people who share the same concerns and those who have “been there.”
- If you are not ready for a group yet, seeking out resources like articles, blogs (like this one), and podcast episodes can provide necessary information and family stories.
Navigating Partner Disconnect
It is very common for partners to be on different timelines. One person described how when the doctor presented donor conception as an option, her partner immediately asked, “Okay, then what’s the next step?” while she glared, thinking he was insane. Another partner started looking at donor profiles immediately while the other was “just in tears” and needed processing time, asking them to “pump the brakes a little bit”.
If you find yourself in this dynamic, everyone we spoke with recommended taking a pause. This time is crucial because both people often need a break for different reasons: one might need time to grieve the end of a chapter, while the other might desperately need off the “roller coaster” of disappointment. This pause, combined with learning about potential next steps and connecting with others who have walked that path already, can help couples move forward together.
2. Practical Truths and Scientific Realities
If you are transitioning to donor conception after years of IUI or IVF, you already know the process is tough. Here are a few truths about the donor conception journey that parents wish they had known earlier:
- IVF Doesn’t Guarantee a Baby: People outside the community often assume “IVF equals baby,” but there are many hurdles. Even when using a donor, there are no guarantees.
- Attrition Still Happens: If you’ve been through IVF with your own eggs, you know that initial egg counts can be misleading. One family was excited to hear their donor started with 34 eggs, but after the process, only six made it through day five, and only three were genetically normal. Knowing this drop-off is expected can help manage expectations.
- Unexpected Hiccups Occur: Even at the moment of transfer, issues can arise. One family had a viable egg fail to thaw right before their scheduled transfer, which they didn’t know was possible.
- Genetic Testing is Highly Recommended: Although it is an extra cost, getting embryos genetically tested puts you in a much better state going into the transfer, as you know the embryo is genetically normal and has a much better chance of taking.
- The Expense is a Sticker Shock: The costs associated with using a donor can be high, but there are loans that specifically help with fertility treatments. Some families pursued fertility treatment internationally due to cost, but acknowledge that that path does have unique challenges.
3. Choosing Your Path: Prioritizing Your Future Child
The landscape of donor conception has changed significantly over the last few decades. Many families who went through the process earlier regret that their local doctors only offered limited information, often pushing banks over other options.
Best Practices for Donors
Current best practice is widely considered to be a known/directed donor or having an open ID agreement.
- Focus on the Child: The most important thing is putting yourself in your future child’s shoes. Listen to donor-conceived people, who generally prefer having a known donor in their lives.
- Banks vs. Directed Donors: Banks often feel protected or like the cheaper alternative, but they are not always truly cheaper. You might have to buy multiple “lots” of eggs, and if you like the donor, you may not get another opportunity. With banks, you are also likely to have more families and more potential genetic half-siblings to navigate. A known donor or agency-directed donor often offers more control and fewer genetic half-siblings.
- Meeting the Donor: If the donor agency allows it, meeting the donor (even via Zoom) is highly encouraged, as it can truly seal the deal. One family loved their donor so much they proceeded with her even after discovering she was a recessive carrier for cystic fibrosis, knowing that their children would simply need testing later.
- Openness is Crucial: Many families prioritize finding a donor who is open to contact, even if they don’t plan on fostering a relationship right away. Eliminating donors who insist on remaining anonymous ensures your children aren’t precluded from knowing their history later if they want to, and avoids any future conflict since the prevalence of at-home genetic testing means that complete anonymity can never be guaranteed.
How to Choose a Donor
Choosing a donor is an emotionally complex and multi-faceted process, and the recommendations from all of the families we talked with emphasized balancing the ethical and emotional well-being of the future child with practical concerns like cost and availability, while prioritizing transparency and future contact.
- Focus on Commitment and Intent: The idea that the donor should be doing it for the “right reason,” seemed committed and understood the seriousness of the process was one of the most important pieces for a lot of the families we talked with.
One even shared their experience with a donor who got cold feet, revealing “she was impressive and we liked her. We liked her background, but between when she committed and when we were moving forward, she got a new boyfriend who was totally freaked out by the idea and she got cold feet and backed out and the agency was like, ‘Do you want us to try to convince her?’ And we were like, ‘No, we’re going to move on and find someone else’.” - Medical History: It goes without saying but, choosing a donor with a medical history that you are comfortable with is critical.
- Consider Traits You Value: Look for things that match the qualities you appreciate in each other, such as humor, intelligence, or ambition, one person sharing “I eliminated anybody who misspelled something or their grammar was sloppy or they just didn’t take the time to carefully fill out the forms.”
- Consider Half-Genetic Siblings: One volunteer we spoke with shared that she wished they’d thought more about potential half-genetic siblings, saying “I knew our donor had two of her own children at the time of her donation and then became pregnant soon thereafter with her 3rd. We chose her because she was a mom. But I never thought about the implications of my child having upwards of 8-10 donor siblings.”
- Eliminate Strict Anonymity: As has already been mentioned, families should eliminate candidates who insist on remaining fully anonymous. There is no way to guarantee complete anonymity forever and, thinking long-term, children should have the option of learning about their origins.
- Commit to the weirdness: Acknowledge that looking at profiles of strangers to find a donor feels “weird” and uncomfortable in the beginning, but that feeling will lessen over time.
4. The Love Story: Beyond the Genetics
One of the greatest reassurances from families is hearing about the unconditional love and bond that has formed with their children. One parent stated that if she had a child genetically hers versus her donor-conceived children, she “would love them no differently.”
Another said they experienced an instant bond, noting that “once you feel that first kick, like you’re just you’re bonded.” It’s important to acknowledge that for some the bond isn’t instant, sometimes due to a difficult birth or NICU stay, which can be true for biological children as well, but one parent shared that connection came very soon after birth and they “never felt like they weren’t my babies.”
While anxieties around the parent-child bond may persist, either consciously or subconsciously – one parent shared she had crazy pregnancy dreams about giving birth to aliens – all of the families we talked with agreed that the reality of having their children affirmed that biological connection is secondary to the relationship that is continually reinforced through daily life, commitment, and unconditional love.
5. Life Now: The Normalcy of the Everyday
For those deep in the struggle, it feels like infertility and donor conception will consume your life forever. But 10 or 15 years later, the reality is wonderfully mundane.
- It’s Just Parenting: According to families of older donor-conceived children, the concerns that dominate life are “normal” issues: cleaning up rooms, not talking back, and helping them grow up to be good people. One father, reflecting on his irrational fear that he wouldn’t like his kids, noted that the reality of parenting, now 16 years removed from the decision, is “really boring,” which he believes is highly reassuring for people who are just starting out and whose brains naturally go to the “most weird negative place.”
- Tell Early, Tell Often: The long-standing recommendation is to be honest with your children from the start, sharing your family’s unique story in age-appropriate ways. Importantly, when parents are comfortable sharing the story of donor conception, the children are generally comfortable with the fact that “this is just the way you became a family.”
- Secret vs. Private: Many families have taught their children to embrace the distinction that their story is private, not a secret, meaning there is “no shame” attached to it, even if they don’t share it with everyone.
- Kids’ Reactions: Children are often indifferent or brush it off. As diverse paths to parenthood are normalized, kids are more exposed to different family structures, making being donor-conceived feel like less of an unusual situation.
- Unfounded Fears: All of the families we spoke with shared that the common fears that dominated initial conversations they had around donor conception, like the fear that a teenager will someday say, “You’re not my real mother/father” is unfathomable because their relationship is entirely “rooted in day-to-day parenting.” Teenagers might say “other angry things” from time to time, but being donor conception has “never even come into our family dynamic.”
One volunteer reflecting back shared, “I wish I had known just how happy and content I would be. Yes, it’s not easy raising a donor-conceived child (it’s just a whole other layer of complexity beyond ‘typical’ parenting), but my gosh, I feel so lucky and grateful. M. is the best thing ever and was the missing piece of our family all along. He brings all of us so much joy and watching L. play with, guide, and love her little brother is an indescribable feeling.”
Building your family through donor conception is a journey that evolves over time. It may feel like a long, complicated road to get there, but parents who have made it consistently offer the same validation: it is worth the struggle, and the family you create is exactly the family that you are supposed to have.
Special thanks to all of the wonderful volunteers, peer group leaders, and peer group attendees who shared their stories and insights with us for this article!